One couple’s break lasted six weeks. The boyfriend, together with his partner for two years, said he needed time to figure himself out. She was a 32-year-old graphic designer, and he told her the problem was him, not her. He couldn’t say how long he would need. When they reunited, it came out that he had wanted to marry her but was under financial stress and doubted he could provide for her. They got back together and started planning a future.
A 29-year-old banker had a different story. Her boyfriend asked for a month to decide what he wanted from the relationship. During that month she found out he was dating a woman he had met months earlier and wanted to leave her for. She said the request for space had been an excuse, and that he should have simply broken up with her instead of leaving her hanging.
Why he asks for space
Karla Moore, a dating coach with NineGPS, a matchmaking company in Atlanta, said at the time that a man asking for space was often drained by the relationship and felt caught up in some conflict within it. In her view, his first instinct when he felt stuck was to step away and work out his next move without the relationship’s demands on him.
She put the conflict down to one of three causes:
- Someone else. Another woman had caught his attention, and he might want to see whether the two of them were compatible.
- You. He felt overwhelmed by behaviour he saw as needy, smothering, controlling or jealous.
- Him. Something about the relationship, such as constant arguments, drained him or made him feel insecure.
Moore summed up the third cause as a relationship that had become too much work for him: emotionally exhausting or stressful, so that he did not like how he felt with his partner.
How to handle the time apart
Moore’s advice was to let him go. She meant giving him the space completely: no texts or calls, no checking his social media, no asking mutual friends about him. If he found he couldn’t be without you, he would come back. That was when to have an honest talk about what had overwhelmed him and how to fix it together.
Agreeing on how long the break will last is part of the same conversation. A man asking for time apart owes his partner some sort of timeframe. If he wants a whole month and that feels too long, saying so, or deciding that a breakup would be better, is a fair answer.
Meaghan Rice, a Talkspace therapist with a PsyD who is a licensed professional counselor, recommends keeping a break to between one and three months as a general guideline. She says whether to stay in touch during that time depends on what the couple agrees, and that too much contact can defeat the purpose of the break.
A request for space in the middle of an argument may need a much shorter pause. Relationship researcher John Gottman has said that once a person is emotionally flooded, the cardiovascular system takes 20 minutes or more to calm down.
Common mistakes
Chasing. Moore said that calling him constantly or asking whether he was angry looked like holding on. She compared holding on to a man who doesn’t want to stay to trying to hold water.
Taking it personally. Moore advised against internalising the request. If he stopped calling or didn’t return calls, her advice was not to react to it.
Ignoring what happened. If the break was a cover for dating someone else, as in the banker’s story, it is worth asking whether he would do the same again when another woman came along. A committed partner can’t call a break whenever he likes just to see other people.
Skipping the debrief. Rice ties a break to a requirement for both partners to improve. In her view, a break that pushes both people to get better so they can be together again gives the relationship a much better chance of lasting.